On time, well sort of.... - 23/01/06

Not very long, be happy.

LOCAL NEWS

Some bizarre things going on in New Zealand, very unusual for a sleepy little country.

A man had an altercation with a couple in a car in a Rotorua street, was then shot in the neck and died at the scene. Turned out later he was a right scumbag, so karma in action there.

A woman was abducted and repeatedly raped in the bush then walked 6km to get away from the guys. Turned out the guy was on the dole, again, and he was a bit messed up, again, and he was feeling a bit depressed, again. Best way to cheer yourself up when you a zonked on drugs and on the dole is ruin some poor woman's life and experience life as a bitch in jail. I think sentences for those who do things whilst chemically inconvenienced should be tripled.

A launch seemed to have been hit by a whale, and the captain had the family into lifejackets and off the boat very fast, all were shaken but not harmed.

Bushfires around the country continue, weather quite dry. Keep happening regularly.

Jeanette Fitzsymons, half leader of the Greens, stopped burning things on her section long enough to whine in her "state of the planet" speech. They didn't specify which planet, though.

Small news was no fatalities on the road this weekend. Funny how it is bigger when there are some to talk about.

Don Brash wants to appeal to more women. He will spend next three months getting cosmetic surgery. Not sure whether personality transplant will take.

The law is an ass. Another example of this is that a man who helped a neighbour who was being attacked by a guy with a baseball bat is convicted for brandishing a machete.

WORLD NEWS

Don't really know what happened in the greater world. Been news of it being extremely hot and cold around the planet. Not really surprising.

SPORT

Aussies lost an ODI to the Pakis, they won't be happy.

Man Utd scored a very late goal to beat Liverpool 1-0, the scouses won't be happy.

Kevin Barry, former David Tua coach, has claimed under an affidavit that Tua took performance enhancing drugs. Problem is as coach, he is liable for that if he supplied them. Tua reckons he didn't know. Their legal battles continue.

MY SAD LIFE

I have been working so not done much with family during the week. They went to a beach, visited people, did movies, you know the sort of thing.

Big housewarming at Koos and Julie's on Saturday night. Many of the usual suspects were there, plus their new neighbours and tons of ex-pat poms. Ross took control of the barbecue. I played fetch and carry but because everyone saw me carrying sausages I seemed to get credit for it all. I think that makes me the manager. There were quite a few kids there, they ran around on the large section. It went very well, I think.

Actually saw Heidi at the housewarming, day before she went home to Rotterdam. Was nice to see her, even if briefly. Also good to see Koos' parents. Got a rolling of the eyes every time I dragged a child over to say hello, which I am sure I remember doing myself at that age.

The Bambis have definitely named B2 Charlotte Maria, but willed be called Maria. They all use their second name as their first name. Sasha goes off for some tests today before she has some surgery on her upper palate.

Kathryn returns today from Europe. Ross seems to have been coping but this week is a busy one (handover of Curtain Supermarket is Friday). Children don't seem to have scurvy or to have lost masses of weight (although the pile of happy meal wrappers in the back of the car is quite impressive).

Yana goes back to Mother Russia this week, for the final ascent on immigration.

Played tennis with Hannah on Sunday afternoon, was good. Glad she didn't make me run too much.

Diana went off for brunch with old school friends on Sunday. The rests of us went swimming. Think the swimming cost more (had to buy two new pairs of goggles). Hannah has lifted her target to 30 lengths a visit, now. Pool was at 50 metres, again, always a bit hard to deal with.

I got a fair amount of hassle from Diana about light bulbs this week. We have two bedside lights that don't work, which has made it difficult for me to read after Diana goes to sleep. I deserved it, a little, after giving her heaps about buying a new lamp without a bulb (it came without a bulb and Kmart didn't sell them, which struck me as a fat lot of good). Anyway, whilst mucking around in Jaykar Electronics with Rory, I bought a couple and bugger me, they both work! That was when she gave me a serve, which I begrudgingly admit was partially justified. Anyway, we both have bedside lights.

We are going off for a week next week up north. Could mean I am late next week.

Not as late as last week - 16/01/06

Weather has been pretty good, best of summer this last week.

LOCAL NEWS

In a small country like New Zealand, all it takes is one bad crash and we have a road safety crisis. A crash north of Auckland yesterday caused five hours of delay for people coming home from holiday.

A young woman who plotted to kill her Father was sentence to 200 hours community work and 18 months supervision because she had second thoughts and had said sorry a lot.

New theories abound about why teenagers drink. Apparently advertisements for alcohol make them drink excessively, where as most ads I see seem to want you to try a different brand rather than fall off the wagon. They must have subliminal messages that the other ads about not drinking excessively and not drinking and driving lack.

A day-care centre in Christchurch has been linked with 21 cases of hepatitis in a month. Not very nice, it's not the sort of thing you want to catch. They reckon no parents have withdrawn their kids - like hell.

A keeper was attacked by two lions at a zoo in Wellington. I think he just got in the way of the food, they didn't do a lot of damage and didn't see him as potential food.

Australia wants our sperm. I don't want to think about that.

A convicted killer that was denied parole a year ago is now being given leave to meet with his new lady friend. He stabbed his last lady friend 34 times. I don't think the new one reads the papers.

Five acres of bush were burned when a man thought it was a good idea to show skyrockets to his kids in Mangawhai. Instead, he showed them how to burn $20,000. He could have saved money by buying a video. Skyrockets have been illegal for some time.

WORLD NEWS

Trouble seems to be brewing in Fiji again. They seem to have more coups than elections.

Greenpeace continue to confront the whalers in the southern ocean.

SPORT

No idea what has been going on this week. Sod all, although Chelsea only just beat lowly Sunderland 2-1. Man City beat Man Utd 3-1 in a match where Christian Ronaldo was red carded. Not sure if Middlesbrough turned up to the game against Arsenal, because Arsenal won 7-0. Fulham beat Newcastle 1-0. Liverpool and Everton both had 1-0 wins.

MY SAD LIFE

Gavin's dog Meena died this week. She was pretty old, and really looked like she was struggling on New Year's Eve. Shushi is now the last dog standing. Gavin and Yana went to Tiri yesterday.

Kathryn is away in Europe for another week.

We went to the museum yesterday, and were treated to a show. As we arrived, a chap was leaving rather quickly. Three security guards seemed to be chasing him, although one did a face plant as she leapt down the steps. They caught up with him on the grass by the cenotaph and escorted him back. Was most unusual. We went to see the Da Vinci exhibition which was mostly models of his designs.

Went swimming at West Wave on Saturday, remarkable because the pool was set to 50m, which was a struggle. Seems lots of pools had "biohazards" or "faecal incidents" on Saturday. Yuck.

Kauaeranga Valley Camp was pleasant, and lacked any major incidents. Weather was very good. We did Hoffman's Pool a couple of times (there is a photo of Rory jumping off the cliff there in my photography book, from three years ago. He is a bit larger now.) Everyone went to Cathedral Cove a day when I had to work, so I stayed behind. They all seemed pretty impressed, maybe I will see it next time. I nearly had to come back home, left my power supply behind for laptop and got it couriered down. Got a bit exciting. Looked at some photos of the kids from previous visits, they are so much older and more independent now. There were four other boys and they hooned around together. The two Matts have been on other similar trips with us for years. Sam was new to the camp but Rory knows him well from water polo. The boys and girls each had their own cabin so the parents were left in relative peace. Activities included table tennis, flying fox, swimming and kayaking, archery, shooting, go-kart, jiggers, playground, and an artificial ski slope which we didn't use for tobogannning. One night we looked at some previous photos, one from three years ago showed that all the kids were shorter than Diana. Now none of them are. The holiday went well, I think.

Ollie has been like a little purring hairy black cuddle leech since we got home. He has also brought in a bird. He's a right pain.

Sorry, got distracted, my fault, late due to old age and losing marbles - 10/01/06

Sorry folks, left for holiday before I hit SEND button.

LOCAL NEWS

The holiday road toll hit 20, about double last year. The toll for the year was down on last year.

A policeman has resigned following news of dubious texts to a 16 year old female offender (not sure if he arrested her or not).

We continue to get news of bird flu, the latest is that the worst of the prisoners would be locked up in jail and left to their own devices, along the lines of "Escape from New York" or something like that.

News was released of a tenant database that records who is good and who is bad. I think it is a great idea. Tenants now want a database of dodgy landlords.

Greenpeace are harassing the Japanese whaling boats. I do wonder why we accept this "whaling research" thing.

There was a mini-riot outside a hall in Tauranga where a 21st birthday party was held. A policewoman was seriously hurt when some clown biffed a car wheel hub that hit her in the head. Three policeman were less-seriously injured. Excessive alcohol consumption seems to have helped.

WORLD NEWS

The miners in West Virginia died. People seemed more offended about being told they were okay than the fact that they actually died.

Ariel Sharon, Israeli PM, is basically knackered after brain haemhorraging.

SPORT

South Africa batted first, looked to be in trouble, then built a solid innings. Australia were struggling at 54/3 but came right. They overcame a first innings deficit by nailling the required runs quickly after SA declared.

I must have missed an ODI, because all of a sudden New Zealand was three nil up over the Sri Lankans. They won the fourth one too. Then they lost the last one.

There were some FA Cup games. Liverpool tried to lose but won 5-3. Man City beat Scunthorpe 3-1. Man U had a 0-0 draw with well-known Burton Albion.

MY SAD LIFE

Ben and his parents have returned to Singapore. They left yesterday. Hannah really likes Ben, he gave her an extra hug.

Kathryn is in Frankfurt doing stuff at a fabric show thing (I think). Ross is home alone with the kids. Scurvy is a risk.

The Goodins announced to their staff that they have sold Curtain Supermarket, they were made an offer they couldn't refuse. It will be kind of weird not hearing them talk about curtains any more, but it is a good thing because I was beginning to worry about Ross. He knows what a voyle is (I thought it was a small rodent, but apparently not).

We are off to Kauranga Valley, near Thames for the week.

It was Penny's birthday last Tuesday (I did mean to ring, honest). It is Sarah's birthday this Thursday. It was Greta's birthday yesterday.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my friend Barbara's death. I would have forgotten if it hadn't been for a text from her friend Liz. A year ago I had been smuggling pies for her into where she was staying. I certainly miss her at Stanley.

Apart from the trip to Tiri, we didn't do much. I worked for three days this week, some of which was a bit exciting for this time of the year.

THE TRIP TO TIRI TIRI MATANGI

Tiri (for short) is an island off the end of the Whangaparoa Pensinsula. It is an open nature reserve, meaning normal people are allowed to visit. It has been converted from farmland to bush over the last 20 years or so. The bush is not exactly mature forest but it is getting there. It is populated by native birds and a few tuatara. We went over there with Paul, accompanied by Allan, Brett, Jacqui, and Jacqui's friend Terry. Terry is a former Tiri Volunteer so knew the island well.

We had to walk slowly through the well defined and constructed paths (nothing like Parahaha) up to the lighthouse. We had lunch there, then wandered up one coast a little way, crossed to the middle, then looped down around the other coast. We saw Fantails, Stitchbirds, Saddelbacks, Whiteheads, Tuis (by the ton), and Takahe (including a baby).

At the end of the trip, we sat at the beach and fended off Greg the Takahe (very tame, and very hungry). He has a habit of climbing onto people's heads (because some people's heads look like a femal Takahe from behind, if you know what I mean).

Communication, or lack of it, was a theme again. We asked Terry if people swim out to a little island off the shore (about 400m away). She said they did, often. So Rory whipped off his shirt and swam off. He was about half way there when Terry realised and said "I meant when it wasn't windy like today". That got me worrried. I wasn't happy about him going and had said no before Terry arrived. I was pretty worried about him, possibly because I would have been the one to go after him if he got in trouble. He did the last bit very slowly, which had me even more concerned. He clambered slowely up the beach and then climbed up on a rock and sat there. He seemed okay so I relaxed a little as the waves looked like they would be helping on the way back but I was aware of the tide being close to turning from out to in. I waved him back, he got the message, and made his way gingerly down the beach. He got back safely, and much faster than he got out. Every metre he came closer was one metre less for me to swim. He was fine, quite pleased with himself when he got back. He said there were lots of oysters on the beach which made it slow going. He did have one minor cut, but was otherwise fine.

The longest email of the year - 02/01/06

Happy New Year

LOCAL NEWS

A man that was hit in the head with a helicopter rotor on Boxing Day and had what was described as extensive head injuries appears to be fine. Surgeons believe that the rotor got the 80% of his brain that he didn't use.

The Road Toll for the year is pretty low but the holiday road toll seems high.

Usual news about new year celebrations. Bit of trouble New Year's Eve near Queenstown. Couple of cops caught on tape being a little too enthusiastic with revellers.

Lots of fuss about trees in Queen St in Auckland city. They want to remove them and replace with natives. Population doesn't agree. Slow news week.

Been a few drownings, people falling out of boats without lifejackets and a 6 yo who drowned without any obvious parental supervision.

WORLD NEWS

Kerry Packer did the media a favour by dying in a slow news week. It occupied business, sport, and world sections for a few days.

It was quite hot in Sydney, fires not helping that.

SPORT

The Aussies convincingly won the second test against South Africa. Third one starts today.

New Zealand's Black Caps thumped Sri Lanka in the first ODI. The spectators were pretty pissed because the low strength beer, long queues, soft containers, and two drink limit stopped them from getting pissed. Many left early.

Man Utd had a win over Bolton, haven't looked otherwise.

MY SAD LIFE

Rory asked this week whether there was a pill that had the opposite effect from Viagra. I asked why (something that I thought I might regret). However, he said that actors wouldn't want something to happen whilst doing a kissing scene or something like that. An interesting concept.

We saw Koos's sister Paula for the first time in a very long time, plus two of her children (Ash and Rosemary, Rosemary was born the day before Rory and Rory would have been a Rosemary if he was a she). We saw them again when we visited the new house. It is quite big and has big decks and a very big lawn. Ride on lawnmower would be too small.

After continuing drama with Rory's cellphone, it was replaced with another model on Saturday. He is very happy. The new one works, even better is does some really cool stuff. He was in geek heaven. He can download stuff for free for a month, so he has filled it up a couple of times already.

Went on a photo-taking trip on Friday with Jono and Paul. We took far too many photos of flowers so we had to drink beer to re-bloke ourselves.

New Year's Eve was at Gavin's house. He tried out the new barbecue, new cutlery, new plates, new glasses, new patio lights. I've seen the water feature. It wasn't worth it. Night went well, we came home before midnight though. Fireworks woke me up at midnight anyway.

Diana had a disturbing dream about me dying from a heart attack. As revenge, the next night I dreamed about her dying of cancer. She hadn't actually died when I woke up, so mine doesn't really count, and she didn't seem to be suffering that much. Nobody has been victim of our dreams since then.

I just checked my emails from beginning of last year. I had no resolutions, which is excellent news because I couldn't remember what they were. At least I achieved them all. I am not sure I can be bothered having any this year either. It does make life easier.

Christmas tree coming down today.

We are going to Tiritiri Matangi Island, a bird reserve, tomorrow. Paul is going, plus Allan, Jaqui, Brett, and others.

Well that is all the normal stuff. There are three more sections, including some stuff from Diana's cousin Jack - it is worth reading.

Have a good new year.
Rob

WHAT IF THE PEOPLE MAKING THE ADVERTS GOT WHAT THEY WANTED

I am sooo sick of these advertisements on TV. The kids watch then on their quiet days and seem to know the infomercials off by heart. Imagine a world where the advertisers wishes and statements came true. This is the kind of world we would live in.

1. There would be no world hunger, every starving child would get their dollar a day in rice and basic tuition and medical care. The western world would have tons of starving dance and music teachers, empty soccer and tennis clubs, and McDonalds would be bankrupt because everyone is spending their spare cash on feeding the poor.

2. We would all use our fitness equipment, and would be in peak physical condition. Hospitals and Doctors would be going broke.

3. We would have all given up drinking excessively, smoking, and speeding. Breweries would start making soft drinks, cancer wards would go quiet, and panelbeaters and insurance companies would be laying off staff.

4. Our kitchen cupboards would be full of mega-sets of knives that can cut tin cans, labour saving devices, and just plain gadgets. Our kitchens would be full of friends going "ooh" and "ahh" every time we made a margarita in our magic bullet or created melon balls with a flick of the wrist. Not sure why we'd do this but apparently we want to. The World's GDP would increase because of how much time we all save with these things. The price of melon would rocket upwards as demand rose.

5. We would eat only 99% fat free and sugar free food. Unfortunately, the fat free stuff is full of sugar and the sugar free stuff is full of fat so we wouldn't be any better off. However, because we are still using our exercise equipment, it doesn't matter, we’d still have six-pack abs.

6. The people selling dodgy girdles and stockings to hold everything in would go out of business because of the exercise equipment.

7. Nobody would have unsightly hair.
8. The fashion industry and models would take a hit as all women would buy the one pot makeup systems and so all the big makeup companies would go out of business. Women would also be wrinkle free from using Victoria's wrinkle removal products, so nobody could tell how old anyone was any more. Men would still look the same, just with less unsightly hair.

THE PAUL AND ROGER BASTARD DEATH MARCH FROM HELL

This is likely to be an infrequent section, in fact I think it is highly unlikely to reoccur.

Paul said he wanted to go do the Parahaha Gorge. I heard he wanted to go do the Parahaha Valley. I should have realised something was up when Paul asked me if Diana was coming. It never occurred to me that this was anything more than a thing where you walk somewhere, eat, and then walk back again. I should have known better.

You see, I have been there twice before, many years ago, and it involved about an hour walk in to the valley, we camped there a few days, and then walked forever to get out. The first time out was down along the beach to Whatipu then we walked the road out to Little Huia for what seemed like hours. It is a long gravel road. The second time we went cross country over the hills and out to Little Huia. My dog Turk was so tired that a few hours after we got home, when I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk (which always elicited a boisterous reply) he just lay there and wagged his tail very half-heartedly. The pads of his feet were sore and he was pretty quiet the next day, too. Anyway, the basic theme was an easy trip in and long hard trek out. That should have told me something, too.

There was Roger, Paul, Shin, Roger's friend Sonny, and the four of us.

Anyway, we parked at Karekare beach, was walked around the rocks to what is basically Whatipu, a very long surf beach with dunes and tundra as far as the eye can see. We walked among the rattly lupins, saw dragonflies, and heard the birds (I know not what sort, but they are always there, and I don't hear them many other places). Then we ran down a dune and wandered up along the stream to the place I had camped before. We had lunch, and I figured we would fool around there for a while, maybe go up stream a bit more, and then take a marked path out to civilisation.

I could not have been more wrong. Paul and Roger said we were about a quarter of the way. I thought they were joking. We started going upstream. We got to a few pools and things that I had been to before. They were nice. We kept going. We walked past a sign saying that the track beyond is not maintained and isn't really a track. That should have registered something in my head.

We got to a bluff where we had to climb around the side of the stream. Diana wasn't happy. The kids were starting to enjoy themselves. Beyond that, things started to get tricky. Every so often we would get to somewhere that you couldn't easily skirt the stream and it was too deep the wade. Some people (not our group) swam one pool. Going up the bank and over was not easy. There was a path, of sorts, that had roots for hand holds, and in some places there were planks nailed to the cliff, along with ropes and cables. The downhill side was often a near-sheer drop to the water and rocks below. Occasionally so of us would go the direct route (Roger and Shin once, Rory and Paul once). The rest of us would go up and over. Not really sure which was hardest, going up or going down. I know that being the last one was not much fun because the wet boots from everyone in front made it slipperier (not sure if that is a word).

Diana was not enjoying it in a few places, doing climbing that she hadn't really done before. I was mostly okay with it, had done similar in my youth but in more known territory. There were a few places where I wondered whether going back was going to be worse or better than going forward.

There was one point when Hannah grazed her knee, and I was a bit worried about how she was holding up, but she came right and did very well. Rory just kept going and at one point even went back up the hill to get food on the downhill stretch.

The really scary thing was that we kept losing the path and Roger and Paul would try to decide which way was best. It did not inspire confidence. Shin reckoned they were competing with each other as to who to scare us the most. They both said they had done the gorge on school trips, which I find staggering. I bet they don't do it these days.

We then got to another sign that was facing the other way saying that the track was not maintained. This signalled a return to relative civilisation. Near there, we found a sign for the Odlins Timber Track, which has slug-gun pellets embedded in it that date back to when Roger and Sonny were at school. At this point we saw some trampers who we had last seen further down, and it appeared they had used the more civilised track that was actually a track. They seemed far less tired and much more together than some of us. From that point we had a steady climb up about 500 steps to the top. From there it was a mere three kilometre walk down to the cars. I have never been so happy to see my car (or my bed, later on).

Funny thing is, the further we got from the gorge, the happier we got. This was more because we were alive and not because we had done something we had really enjoyed (although looking back now we seem to be forgetting the dread and remembering the happiness and relief). Many of us had slipped and fallen along the way, many were carrying scratches, grazes, and bruises. I suppose you could call it an adventure, but I have to say I was genuinely surprised we didn't find a body somewhere along the way.

GUEST REPORT

This is an extract from Jack's email (Jack lives in Stuttgart, I think, somewhere in Germany, anyway. He is Diana's cousin).

One job on the house which I haven’t done yet is repairing damage caused by a pair of tits. Great tits that is. Parus majorus, to make it perfectly clear what sort of tits I mean. The little feathered fiends

decided to build themselves a nest in a chink in the masonry under the eaves and ripped apart our fly-screen to use as building material.

Worse, I caught them pecking away at the rubber gaskets around the window glass, which will be very expensive to repair if they get damaged. Trying to shoo the little buggers away didn’t work. I made a

half hearted attempt to drag them out of their hole with the hoover, but gave it up as the neighbours could see and I was worried that someone could report me to the Animal Protection Society. Didn’t fancy spending the rest of my life explaining how I got done for sucking tits with a

vacuum cleaner. European animal protection laws are so stupid, so out of touch with nature that they’ll soon have us forced to sweep the way in front of us as we walk, like jainist monks, to protect the bugs and microbes on the ground. You heard that story about the sparrow and the dominoes. Even wasps are protected by law in this country. And there is talk of granting “human” rights to all primates. I don’t know if that includes voting rights. Absurd, that’s what it is.