26 January 2004

An elephant takes a stroll and a bad week for Australian cricketers - 26/01/04

LOCAL NEWS

Police established what caused the toilet burns a while back, but won't say what it was. This is because it might encourage copycats (let's not consider that not telling doesn't throw down the gauntlet to challenge idiots to do something worse). They did say it was something that was common around the house. I wonder if some cleaner forgot to dilute some industrial cleaning product and that was the cause.

Political scandal has woken the political commentators from their Christmas slumber as news broke that Winston Peters got a free dinner at a restaurant that was partially owned by a guy that is involved in the Scampi Fishery Select Committee, of which Mr Peters is a member. This is a simple case of being independent in appearance as well as fact, and really would have blown over at any other time of the year.

Another man drowned, and a fisherman went missing, so drowning continues to be news.

Burma, one of the two elephants at our local zoo, escaped into Western Springs park (where Diana and I walk when the kids are at school) on Friday morning, the same day that everyone (except me) went to the zoo. Diana said there were four news crews wandering around (another slow day). She put a log over an electric fence then went over the wire, with an XXXXXXXL balaclava on her head, broke through a gate, and went for a walk.

Forgot to mention a policeman who got engulfed in fire when his ride-on lawnmower caught fire. He survived but was burned seriously.

Eastern Beach is the victim of people stealing sand. They must be stealing a bloody lot.

A stunt rider hit a spectator at Meremere after doing a fairly big jump.

WORLD NEWS

Former Australian test cricketer David Hookes was bashed outside a Melbourne hotel and subsequently died. They have arrested a hotel bouncer - either he took his job too seriously or it was related to "the hairy backed sheila" that Hookes referred to when he was defending the honour of Shane Warne in the matter of the South African woman who claimed to be harassed by him a year or so back. Accolades, etc, have been pouring out of all the media. One headline "Hookes felled by a lethal bouncer".

An Australian club cricketer was struck dead by lightning whilst batting, they didn't say what his entry on the scoring sheet said. Retired hurt? I assume the match was abandoned.

The capsized boat in Norway was nasty, it trapped about twenty people in it, in pretty calm conditions 200m from shore. It went very fast, was loaded with rocks, must have had the heavy ones on the starboard side.

The American Presidential Primaries have started for the Democrats. I don't completely (barely partially) understand the process, I assume GW doesn't have to because he is standing again?

SPORT

The Men's hockey team has beaten Poland 3-0 in a series.

The Kingz had a rare 2-1 win, after playing with 10 men for a lot of the game. Their second win of the season.

India and Aussie keep playing Zimbabwe, it's like a cat playing with a mouse.

Man Utd are leading 3-0 in their FA Cup match against Northampton. Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, and Swansea are all though.

MY SAD LIFE

Well, our cat, Amber, made her last visit to the vet on Friday. She just didn't look right when we returned from the Goodins. It was about time for her annual checkup anyway, but we had a sinking feeling it might be her last. Her kidneys had failed, she was in the last stages of it, dehydrated and not too good. We had to go next door and tell Jim, our neighbour, who has been probably Amber's favourite person. There's a photo of the two of them in the book, with him sweeping her with the broom. Hannah was especially unhappy. This is the first time we haven't had a pet in the house for about 17 years.

I forgot to mention Brett's return from a holiday in Vietnam. He played with an AK47 and hit the target twice in five shots (better than most). He also checked out the regular stuff in Vietnam, but didn't see the cute hand-powered torches that would be my reason to go there. Brett can rest assured he doesn't need to get pregnant to feature in this, but it would certainly get my attention.

We saw Roger, Shin, and Ben the bump, on Wednesday along with the rest of the family. She was wearing an electric thing around her tummy that makes the baby regular or improves it's ability to do calculus (or make yoghurt, I don't know). Roger left the flash cards at home because he thought I would be rude about them. We had a nice barbecue, sat out the back of the house, saw a spectacular double-rainbow (and Olwyn pointed out that the second set of colours were in reverse order, hadn't noticed that before). Amber (our cat) hung around a lot, and I slipped her some tidbits from the barbecue and the pavlova.

Talked to Allan last night, he said he saw Paul and Roger and others on the plane to Nelson. He was going for a funeral, the Grant's for a wedding.

Penny, Craig, Ben, and baby Matt are over at the moment. They stayed with us a couple of days, and they went to the zoo the day the elephant escaped but too late to catch the excitement. Matt is a pretty happy little boy, he chuckles and laughs now and again.

We committed my Father's ashes to the ground at a memorial park on Saturday. I can't say it was a lot of fun, it brought up everything again, but we went to the Puhoi pub and I had four beers (they were really small glasses) and then had lunch at a vineyard. I have to face a similar thing for Ross Cole some time soon.

I've been auctioning some of Ross Cole's things on trademe, to help cover some costs.

We went for a little walk around Western Springs on Sunday, tried to find evidence of the escaped elephant's trip (ie large piles of dung) but could not. The kids were very entertained by a large stone friendship circle (don't ask me what that is). It was a nice thing to do, just the four of us.

Rory starts school tomorrow, Hannah starts on Thursday. It will be interesting.

19 January 2004

Drownings become a problem in New Zealand, avoid large glasses of water - 19/01/04

LOCAL NEWS

The second chopper was found and early reports were vague on the status of the occupants. They weren't alive. I don't like helicopters, I am not sure I would ever fly in one. Give me wings any day. The other one hasn't been found yet.

Men overestimating their swimming skills and their ability to defeat the power of nature is blamed for the high incidence of drownings over summer. Boaties consider those that wear life jackets to be geeks. Darwinian evolution at its best if you ask me. Drowning continued to dominate the news after two died in an incident at Browns Bay (flat beach near where Diana's Mum lives). Nineteen people have drowned in New Zealand in the eighteen days of this year so far.

Local minority (and useless) All Black Caleb Ralph has been seeing Zara Phillips (minor royalty).

Ducks are dying from botulism in shallow lakes, probably due to dry conditions. It is due to rain a bit this week but it has been very dry for weeks.

Apple growers are whining that there aren't enough itinerant workers prepared to work for a pittance to pick their bumper crop. Well, think about it lads.

In the political arena, employers are bitching about changes that I haven't even started to find out about. On the basis that I am not an employer and don't intend to be, plus the fact that my opinion on the matter counts for nothing, I think this is fair enough and I should enjoy my ignorance of the matter.

A SHORT RANT

In an attempt to curb drownings, authorities are telling parents they must supervise their children whilst swimming at beaches. This infers that they weren't doing so before. It fails to take into account events like the father that died yesterday trying to save his seven year old who didn't drown (that happens a lot). It also suggests to the people who are likely to take any notice of such instruction that they needn't bother supervising their children in pools, after school, in town, crossing roads, or whilst they construct homemade fireworks. It also fails to account for the fact that parents stupid enough not to already supervise their children at the beach are unlikely to obey news stories instructing them to change their ways ("Ooh look, Gladys, it says here we are supposed to keep an eye on the kids while they swim in the sea. It never would have occurred to me to do that, let's start being responsible parents").
Rant over.

WORLD NEWS

The Doctor that felt he had the right to end patients lives, Harold Shipman, has died in jail. Turns out his lawyer was a confidence trickster that tried to buy MGM studios and $57m worth of property in New Zealand without any actual money.

A Doctor claims to have cloned a human being. Let's hope that it isn't someone awful like GW or Kylie Minogue.

There was another bomb in Iraq.

France seems to be attracting unwanted attention by banning muslim headscarves in school. This could get nasty, Hamas seems to have become interested already.

SPORT

The local tennis tournament has been absolutely full of epic battles if the papers are to be believed. I won't bore you with the details.

The Pakis fell to pieces batting first on Wednesday and the Black Caps reached the target in 22 overs and lost 2 wickets. The Blacks Caps just managed to win the last game and won the series 4-1, which flattered them a bit.

Man Utd lost to bloody Wolverhampton, then Liverpool lost to a shite team as well (Spurs) and Leeds lost again. If Arsenal win their game they are back on top.

An Australian Pro just beat a local Amateur for the New Zealand Golf Open title.

MY SAD LIFE

On Wednesday, I went to Hamilton to work. Hannah was acting funny the night before, she said she didn't want me to go, so I asked her if she would like to come. The answer was yes. We were going to leave at 6:30 in the morning to beat traffic and give us some time on the way home. As I finished shaving, I opened the bathroom door about 6:10 and sure enough she appeared (she had been awake since her alarm went off at 5:00am) with her lunch all packed and everything. We drove down, I met with my client and sorted things out while Hannah drew pictures and played on her Neopet. Then we popped in to see my friend Chris who lives and works in Hamilton. On the way home, we stopped anywhere we thought would be interesting. We diverted to a place called Candyland which took some finding, but was worth it. Hannah had a great time looking at all the sweets for sale. We bought a few and carried on home. We stopped at a few other places, a toy shop in Huntly, and so forth. Had to divert to another client in Auckland, but Hannah stayed in the car and played with her neopet. She didn't act tired after we got home, but it was a fun day. I saw the checklist she had done the night before, and it was very detailed. She behaved pretty well (the kids both seem to enjoy having the complete attention on a parent).

We spent the last few days cat-sitting at the Goodins. The cat provided much entertainment. She spewed on the carpet, caught and ate a fly, caught a bird, and a butterfly. (she is five months old and still has stitches from being recently spayed). She slept with the kids and Diana, and woke me up when she hunted a book. The kids made sure the pool was working, by swimming in it. I didn't enjoy commuting to my office, and had to visit the house every day that we were away for a variety of reasons. The Goodins were at a wedding up north somewhere. I think they need a teleporter to get coffee to the bedroom whilst hot, or a coffee machine in the bedroom.

Spent time on two occasions trying to sort out Ross Coles personal effects. It's not fun. I am trying to sell a few items on trademe to help recover some costs.

Paul, Roger, Shin, and foetus are all visiting New Zealand at the moment. They are off to Nelson or Blenheim later this week for about a week. We saw Paul on Saturday but haven't managed to see the bump and Shin and Roger yet.

I did another hour on the radio with my best mate Alice Worsley on Radio Pacific yesterday talking about digital cameras. Becoming a well-seasoned professional amateur radio person (note the deliberate non-use of the word personality).

A JOKE WITH A PERSONAL FLAVOUR

Most people know this sort of joke:
Q: How can you tell when an Australian has burgled your house?
A: Your beer has been drunk, your jandals are missing, and your barbecue has been cleaned.

After staying at the Goodins for a few days, I have to realistically acknowledge some personal character flaws. Here we go:
Q: How can you tell when Rob has been house-sitting for a few days?
A: Some new channels have been tuned on your TV, the clocks have been corrected, there is blood and short hairs stuck on the (very low for normal people) lampshades, and toys have been reassembled and repaired.

I admit that as I grow old I am getting more and more sad. I think I am a closet obsessive-compulsive.

12 January 2004

Nearly the end of the holidays - 12/01/04

Weather hot but largely difficult to complain about. Little real news out there, still.

LOCAL NEWS

The Cyclone Heta has had the usual dramas in Niue. A mother died protecting her baby, was flown to Auckland, has be operated on, etc. An Airforce Hercules went up there, broke down, another went with spares. Niue is considering returning to New Zealand rule, not sure we'd want them. They reckon the population is about to drop to 1200 people. I bet it is a dump if it's anything like Tuvalu.

Nasty winds in Wellington on Friday, 100+km/h. Blew over three power transmission pylons somewhere around the Cook Strait link. A woman in a tent was killed when she was blown off a cliff or something.

The government is considering chemical castration for some sex offenders. Not sure what is wrong with the old mechanical castration method. (Brett knows my theory, a sort of two strikes you are out approach, you lose a testicle for your first offence, and another for your second, and there isn't likely to be a third).

I am thoroughly bored with continued mentions of LOTR and how many nominations/awards it has one in the Amateur Girl Guides of Tallahassee Randomly Selected Film Awards. Just let us know about the Oscars.

Lifeguards have been busy, and lost their first person for nine years at Muriwai.

Another helicopter is missing, the second in about two weeks, they haven't found the last one yet. Perhaps they go somewhere to mate.

A woman received burns from a public toilet seat that had been coated with something caustic. (see later for how idiots like that start their path to evil)

WORLD NEWS

People are still being extracted from the rubble in Iran, well they were earlier in the week.

Insiders now say Bush was bent on war (well, duh). He is obviously bent, and was gagging for a good war to ensure re-election.

SPORT

Man Utd won, Chelsea lost 0-1 to Liverpool, Arsenal had a 1-1 draw. Man Utd looking happy on the table.

Then Arsenal won and caught up. Man Utd needed to beat Newcastle this morning, but they had a 0-0 bore. Chelsea whipped Leicester 4-0 (but on ESPN only three goals were listed, weird).

Big news was record setting results for the New Zealand Under 21 World B Youth Curling Champs with big wins over well-known curling nation China and some of country that is practically on the equator. They keep records about Curling Championships in B grade youth tournaments?

Black Caps lost the second ODI to Pakistan then won the third. Next one is Wednesday, two to play, with Black Caps leading 2-1 so far.

MY SAD LIFE

My little sister Sarah turns 25 today. That means she is old. She's feeling old too, been sick all weekend. Best excuse for taking a sick day - "you don't want to know." - much better than saying you have the flu, people just don't want details.

My friend Bambi had his birthday yesterday (it's easy to remember the date, it can be expressed as 13 in binary - 1101, or 1011 in America which is only 11).

We've finally been painting some of the house that needs it, did a fair bit over the weekend, heaps left though.

Went to the city with the kids, gave Diana a day off (from all three of us). We bought some things with their Whitcoulls vouchers that they got for Christmas. They both bought a book and shared the cost of a DVD (Spy Kids 2). We went to Burger King for lunch as they were hungry and thirsty. Rory did one of his typical mix drinks (they have self-serve) so he had a bit of raspberry, fanta, coke, lemonade, etc) in the cup. Then he knocked it over himself from nipples to knees. I took him into the bathroom and he got rinsed down and dried himself under the hand blow-dryer. Then he started fiddling with the tomato sauce sachets. He wanted to bend one double and insert it between a toilet seat and the toilet so that some poor sod would get a tomato-flavoured surprise. I said no. He then needed to go to the toilet. I frisked him. It was in his armpit. Later, he wanted to go again, I frisked again, and found it in his sock. One day he will realise that if he hides two at once, I might stop when I find the first one. He also fails to remember I am an eleven year old with 28 years experience. He has become clever, and devious, but has not yet developed ethics or subtlety (see what I mean? Could be the beginning of Caustic Toilet Man #2).

Diana and I had dinner with the Goodins and Charles on Saturday, Charles went home this morning after another holiday at Glinks where they caught fish. Went to a restaurant in Mission Bay and sat on the pavement (well, at a table out on the pavement). Walked up the hill to the Michael Joseph Savage memorial in complete darkness then back along the beach. Spent a chunk of Sunday annoying the Goodins and Charles as well. Polly, the cat, went streaking through the dining room (with the lounge furniture in it) with a pink feather boa, was very funny. Apparently she found it somewhere else and brought it home.

We are cat-sitting at the Goodins on Thursday for a few days. Rory wants to train her to steal watches (see? No responsibility).

Beans, let me talk about beans for a minute. Gavin brought around a huge bag of polystyrene balls for filling the beanbag chairs that the kids got from Penny for Christmas. He warned us, he said do it in the bath, but we knew better. We (the kids and I) started filling Rory's one in the lounge. At first it was looking good, then we sped up a bit, and the beans started quietly flying everywhere. It was a huge mess (Diana was in the bedroom and didn't see it at it's worst, she'd have had kittens if she had). The next day, I attached rubber bands around the neck of the bag to a large piece of down pipe. Hannah and I filled her bean bag with it. It worked well, very little mess, but it just wasn't any fun. Hannah said as much. Those little beans are messy, but there's something about spreading them everywhere that just feels so right. I am toying with the idea of making an Airzooka (search on the web for more info, they rock) and loading it with polystyrene beans. That would be a bit of fun.

Diana and I might be going to try and sort out some of Ross Cole's things this week. Not really looking forward to it.

5 January 2004

Welcome to the revised 2004 program -05/01/04

Okay, there is no revision, but I couldn't think of another subject.

LOCAL NEWS (or lost and found)

The two lady trampers that were lost for eight days got found.

Four climbers lost their lives in an avalanche on Mt Cook.

Two idiots didn't lose their lives when they lost control of a boy racer car and wrapped it around a tree. An unfortunate exception to the rules of Darwinian evolution.

A supposed "pop star" by the name of Daniel Bedingfield (who?) lost control of a vehicle and was trapped until found by emergency services.

The Crocodile Moron (known also as Steve Irwin) has lost popularity when he went croc fishing and used his baby son for bait.

Helen Clark was found in Norway cruising around on a motorised ski thing. They can keep her.

A cyclone (Heta) is finding it's way to Samoa.

WORLD NEWS

The requisite number of babies and kittens were found alive in the rubble in Bam after the earthquake, just enough to keep the tragedy in the news to encourage donations. I think the US blew a chance to improve opinions of them in the Middle East by not flying in heaps of troops, equipment, and Big Macs to the disaster from neighbouring Iraq Inc. The death toll seems to have grown considerably. I am not sure that these running totals are appropriate, it makes it feel like a Telethon.

News this week of dog owners giving their neutered boy-dogs testicular implants so they don't have self-image issues. This has to be the most pathetic idea since someone stuffed a pair of socks down the front of their undies. Good grief. It's for the self-image of the pathetic owner who probably gets larger ones inserted and has pec-implants of their own and a very large BCSD car.

SPORT

The Black Caps collapsed on the Monday to give the Pakis a pretty easy shot at winning the test and the series. If they have scored maybe even fifty more runs and used up a few more hours of time it would have been a different story.

They did win the first ODI with five balls to spare thanks to a Scott Styris ton.

The Aussies are battling to avoid a follow-on in the last test match against India, Steve Waugh's last test might end in a draw if he is lucky.

Liverpool, Arsenal, Fulham, and Man United all won through to the next round of the FA Cup.

MY SAD LIFE

After spending the last full night of 2003 being tormented by my wife and a smoke alarm with a dodgy battery, I tried to repair the hole in the floor where the chimney used to be. Wasn't a good day, I whacked a finger with the hammer, stubbed my toe, and continued to trip on the mat that Diana kept putting at the back door. By the time I finally lost my cool I had scored three seven point fives, an eight, and a nine with a bonus for artistic merit on the last one but lost points for swearing. I now see why so many accidents happen around the home (don't go there, it's where we spend most of our lives so statistically it isn't surprising). Gavin assisted with some materials and labour, and we completed a mostly bodgy but effective re-flooring exercise.

Have received news of the Grant grandchild, it is a he, which means Paul is to become an Uncle (not an auntie) and already has a name. Current age -22 weeks and counting.

Spent a few days at Algies Bay with Judy, making her realise how much more peaceful it is living on your own than having two fighting children in the house. We launched the boat back into the water this morning (well, watched other people do it, it's pretty big to do without proper gear). It ran aground the weekend before we found out how sick Dad was. Hopefully a man from Thames will buy it this week. We spent an afternoon out on the harbour, and a bit of time at the beach including about an hour and a half long swim at the beach yesterday afternoon for me and the kids.

We arrived home to find a letter from Rory's new school suggesting that he is probably in the Krelbourne Class. This is what his parents wanted (mostly his mother).

I had another email from a reader of my book. That makes three people who have bought it, counting Sjaan.

Koos has sodded off home, hardly saw him really, he was a bit busy. He didn't take a copy of my book home for Peter so he's going to have to give you his copy, Peter.

Well, sorry for lateness and it's probably woefully incomplete, but be happy - it's better value than that bloody Herald over the holidays.